Dusty Moon

Everyone has just jumped to the frankly massive conclusion that we’re going to be needing oxygen on the moon. Oh, they go on and on about it like it’s the most important thing. Oxygen this, oxygen that, “oh, we need to breathe, blah, blah!” “Someone give me the plans for the bio-dome, we need to plant more seeds!”

Don’t people realise? The whole point of us planning a glorious new Lunar Kingdom is that we transcend those unimportant things. We’ll not be needing oxygen…like cool kids. Cool kids breathing moon dust, which will make us 60% stronger and give us the power of telepathy.

The way I see it, oxygen is going to become ‘trendy’, rather than a necessity. You know those portable hyperbaric chambers in Melbourne? Well, they inflate and are portable; it’s in the name. On the moon, we’ll all have them because they’re going to be where we go to relax. And later, we’ll have hyperbaric chambers simply everywhere, like cafes. You’ll make plans to meet at Chamber Six, which you have to admit sounds like a trendy cafe name here on Earth. You’ll meet your friend, climb inside the chamber and have a good time chatting while breathing in your super-trendy oxygen. Of course, we’ll have to instigate some sort of oxygen therapy rationing system. Combining moon dust AND oxygen as forms of sustenance is dangerous; we could become too strong, and then we’d become overwhelmed by our strength and destroy ourselves in our hubris.

I guess that’s the same effect of drinking too much coffee right now, except…um, a little bit different. Not much, though. Our Lunar Kingdom will be Earth, but different. So…my job is to find the best oxygen chambers in all of Melbourne, then demonstrate to everyone why moon dust is a viable alternative. But where will I get some…?